


The Goldie Awards

by frosty_flames



Series: Rogue Family Values [2]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Awards, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Hartley just wants a break, M/M, Team as Family, parental coldwave
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 11:04:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6903268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frosty_flames/pseuds/frosty_flames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>September 15th is the second annual Goldie Awards, it goes about just as you'd expect it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Goldie Awards

**Author's Note:**

> I've been hit with some major Rogue feels lately and have a few more WIPs with the Rogue family. I don't know how or why, but I can't help myself. 
> 
> Inspired by 'The Office' Dundie awards (one of the names is blatantly copied from the show).

Hartley had planned on a quiet evening in. The Rogues had just pulled off a flawless job in Metropolis and after taking his cut, Pied Piper decided that he’d take a month off for some “Hart-Time”.

So far, it had been going well. Two weeks in and Hartley managed to watch all of the Star Wars movies (for the millionth time), jump into the nostalgia train with some Sly Cooper video games and work on his sonic gloves without one of the other Rogues asking questions and bothering him about nonsensical drama. Overall, it had been a leisurely and peaceful vacation…until Mick Rory and Mark Mardon decided to go against his wishes and break into his apartment.

“What the hell are you two doing?” Hartley snapped, watching carefully as Mark conjure storm clouds and Mick lit his heat gun _just_ enough to have a flickering flame on the edge of the barrel.

“Snart’s callin’ a meeting,” Mick grunted, glancing at Hartley’s wall art in bored abandonment. Hartley wondered if Mick Rory could even identify half of the sources of the posters from various pop culture outlets, then again he and Snart were more than _friends_ and Snart was a closeted geek.

“Why couldn’t you guys just call?” Hartley groaned exasperated, pointing to his cell phone on this coffee table. “Did you have to strike down my door?”

Mark glanced down at the charred door that had been hit with the force of both Mick’s heat gun _and_ a few bolts of lightning.  Needless to say, Hartley was in need of a new front door.

“You didn’t answer.”

Hartley’s eyes swept to Mick who had managed to find his way into the kitchen and was shuffling through the refrigerator. “You didn’t knock!”

“That’s all semantics,” Mark waved off as he opened Hartley’s coat closet and pulled out a jacket. “Come on, we’re running late.”

Mick had returned from his adventures in the kitchen, popping Hartley’s leftover sushi into his mouth. “Snart’s gonna be pissed.”

Hartley didn’t say a word, abandoning his book and ripping the jacket from Mark’s hands. “Fine, but you _both_ are getting me a new door.”

Mark and Mick shared a knowing look of _yeah, that shit isn’t going to happen. Nice try though._

* * *

Hartley should have known something was up when Mick and Mark led him out of the apartment and toward an aged Ford Thunderbird that featured Leonard Snart lounging on the hood, fiddling with his cold gun bored and restless. Len barely paid any of them attention, save for a shared smirk with Mick, before he hopped off the hood and gestured for them all to get in the car.

Mick took the driver’s seat with Len nonverbally demanding shot gun. Mardon basically shoved Hartley into the back of the car before tossing himself beside him. Hartley scoffed at the manhandling but was nearly thrown into the seat in front of him as Rory stepped on the gas suddenly.

“Seatbelts,” Leonard sang. Hartley, Mick and Mark grumbled in compliance.

“So what’s the big emergency meeting, Snart?” Hartley sulked in this seat, pushing himself as far away from Mark as he could. Snart and he had come to an agreement that he wasn’t to be bothered during his vacation unless it was an emergency, which it was looking less and less to be the case.

“I didn’t call the meeting,” Len shrugged, glancing back at Hartley through the rearview mirror.

“Other Snart,” Mick muttered. “It’s the September 15th.”

All the color drained from Hartley’s face. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Unfortunately, we aren’t.” Len propped his feet on the dashboard of the car, Mark complaining quietly about scuff marks.

“But what about last year when-” Hartley was suddenly cut off by a cold gun in the face.

Mark glanced between Hartley and the gun with disinterest before shrugging, “Lisa gets what Lisa wants.”

“And she wants this?” Hartley asked in disbelief. After the last time, Hartley couldn’t imagine why they were going to try this again.

“Yes,” Len said with no room for further conversation or a rebuttal. He turned back into his seat, resting the gun against his leg before leaning back in his seat and throwing out directions for the quickest way back to the safe house. In the true Mick Rory fashion, he didn’t listen to a word Len said and still got there just as quick.

* * *

Hartley couldn’t even find himself to be all that surprised when they pulled up to the Harbor Side safe house. It was one of the Rogues’ nicer safe houses and Hartley had no doubt in his mind that Lisa pouted until Len agreed they could use this one. Climbing out of the car, Mark kept a firm hand on Hartley’s shoulder as if he pegged Piper for a runner. Shawna was leaning against the front door, waving as they four men approached.

Before any of them could say anything, Shawna spoke, “Axel and Lisa are arguing again. I figured it was best to let them kill each other rather than intervene.”

For once, Hartley was actually hoping that Axel would finish the job so they couldn’t get to the main event of the evening.

Like he could read Hartley’s mind, Len narrowed his eyes. “Think again, Piper.”

Mick grunted in support and nodded his head to Shawna to lead them inside. Shrugging with an expression of _I warned you_ , she opened the door and brought them all inside.

The safe house cleaned, Hartley could smell the sharp stench of bleach and Windex. Figures Lisa would try to make the evening special. All the cleaner in the world couldn’t wash away the memories of the last time they had done this and why Hartley had refused to participate in another.

Axel and Lisa were silent upon entry. Both of them were sitting as far away from each other as possible. They were glaring dangerously daggers at the other but stopped when the five other Rogues came in. Lisa grinned brightly while Axel’s eyes landed on Hartley in a way Hartley knew he was going to regret. He should have put up more of a fight against Mark and Mick.

Len and Mick took the armchair immediately. It was _their_ chair and anyone who used it, even if they weren’t in Central City, was shot at with fire and ice. Len was perched in Mick’s lap, giving each Rogue a warning look for any of them to mention it. All of them knew it was better to keep their mouths shut.

Mark and Shawna each grabbed one of Hartley’s arms and dragged him to the couch, planting Piper between them. Axel and Shawna quickly traded seats so both girls could share the love seat while Axel and Mark had free reign on antagonizing Hartley.

Once everyone was seat, Lisa cleared her throat to gather their attention. When everyone’s eyes were on the younger Snart, she grinned brightly, “I think you all know why we are gathered here today. It’s a celebration of our chosen family and-” Hartley couldn’t help but snort to which Lisa stopped her speech entirely to glare. “What’s so _funny_ , Piper?”

“The celebration part,” Hartley narrowed his eyes. “Are we all going to ignore last year?”

“Accidents happen,” Axel said in a way that implied that nothing he did was ever accidental.

“You and Mardon almost killed each other!” Hartley looked between the two Rogues in question. Mark shrugged uncaringly and Axel smiled like he was willing to try again. “Then Boo freaked out and left in the middle of it.” Shawna looked up at the ceiling innocently. “Not to mention that warehouse we were using doesn’t exist anymore.” Hartley sent a pointed glare to both Mick and Len who both grinned proudly at each other. “All because you wanted to do a stupid award-”

“The Goldie Awards are not stupid,” Lisa snarled, gun locked and loaded on Hartley.

“I’d take your words back now, Piper,” Mick warned absently. He wasn’t really paying attention, his hands traveling up Len’s sides.

“Mick still has the claw marks from when he talked shit about The Goldie Awards,” Len nodded his head solemnly.

“Nearly twenty years ago,” Mick grumbled upset.

“Look,” Lisa rounded on Hartley, thankfully setting the gun down between her and Shawna, “The Goldie Awards are a part of being a Rogue. You have to participate or Mick is going to take you out back.”

Hartley cocked his head to the side. “Are you fucking threatening me?”

“Yes.”

None of the other Rogues said anything, Mick and Len both smiling at Lisa like proud parents. Mark and Axel both threw their arms around Hartley’s shoulders and Shawna bit back a giggle.

“Fine, but only if you threw out the _Ray of Sunshine Award_ ,” Hartley glanced cautiously between Axel and Mark who had nearly killed each other over the damn thing last year. Seriously, Hartley had nightmares about the guttural screech Trickster made when Wizard was given the award instead of him.

“Of course,” Lisa rolled his eyes. “This time I even asked my Twitter followers to suggest some and vote on a couple to make _most_ of them fair and honest.” The way she said that gave Hartley reason to believe these awards would be anything but fair and honest.

Hartley shook his head and buried his face into his hands. “Whatever, let’s just get this over with.”

Lisa clapped her heads together excitedly as she pulled over a large box to rest in front of her and Shawna on the love seat. Opening it, she reached in and pulled out a chattering teeth toy that met the wrong end of Lisa’s gold gun.

“So, the first award is the ‘Smiles That Can Kill’ and it goes to Axel!”

Hartley watched in horror as Axel leaped from the couch like a wild cat, nearly ripped Lisa’s arm off and held the golden toy in awe. “My life’s work all summarized by one trophy!”

Mark raised an eyebrow. “How is a smile award all your life’s work?”

Axel shot Mardon a dark glare. “Smiles that can _kill_ , thank you very much.”

“Moving on,” Lisa reached into the box and pulled out another trophy, this time of a human on fire. Mick was already holding out his hand expectantly. “This one is ‘Hottest of the Rogues’ and it goes to, _oh_ ,” Lisa feigned surprise as she said the inscription _she_ made, “me!”

“What?!” Mick and Mark exclaimed at once. Len was almost thrown from Mick’s lap at the force of his shock.

“The people have voted,” Lisa waved off, cradling the trophy in her arms with glee.

“That’s bullshit!” Mark snarled and Hartley was already sense another brawl coming on.

“I agree with Rain Cloud,” Mick growled, Len actually having to put effort into keeping Mick seated. “I deserve it.”

“I mean, you are pretty Micky, but I’m way hotter,” Lisa rolled her eyes.

“Oh please,” Mark rolled his eyes. “You two have nothing on me.”

Mick looked directly at Len and pointed to his heat gun that was resting beside Len’s cold gun as if it were explanation enough.

“Not that kind of heat, Mick,” Len patted his cheeks lazily. “Don’t worry, next time.” Mardon and Lisa were still glaring at each other. “Mardon, sit. Lisa won, fair and square.”

“She’s the one who is making the ru-”

“Fair,” Len growled, “and square.”

Mark grumbled, collapsing beside Hartley pissed. “Whatever.”

Lisa set her flaming trophy to the side and grabbed the next one which looked like an angel that would go a top a Christmas tree. “This next one is ‘Sanest of the Rogues’ and it goes to Shawna.”

Shawna smiled happily and no one disputed the award. They all agreed and let her have her award. She deserved it.

“Next we have the ‘Take It Down A Notch’ Award.” This time the trophy was of a temperature meter. Both Mick and Len eyed each other but it was unneeded since the award went to “Mark!”

“Excuse me?” Mark narrowed his eyes.

“Actually,” Shawna peeped up, “this is a pretty good platform to talk about this.”

Hartley already knew where the conversation was going. Peek and he had talked about this before. “Shawna, no, not here.”

It went to deaf ears and Shawna continued, “You seriously need to cool it-” Len chuckled “-with using your powers every chance you get.”

“What?” Mark looked over at Hartley for help but Hartley was busy trying to stop Axel from messing with his hearing aids at the moment. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Seriously,” Lisa raised an eyebrow, “enough with the fucking rain clouds everywhere. We get it, you are dark and mysterious.”

Mark’s mouth dropped open. “Oh! I’m _sorry_ , he,” Mark pointed at Mick who only raised an eyebrow in return, “gets to set the kitchen on fire on a weekly basis and he,” Mark gestured to Len, “gets to make all the ice puns in the words but I can’t make it rain?”

As if he had been prepared for the moment for weeks (and he probably had), Axel dropped his trophy, reached into his pockets, pulled out a wad of singles and threw them up in the air to “make it rain” on both Hartley and Mark. Both Wizard and Piper fell silent as dollar bills fluttered around them, Trickster cackling.

Lisa wordlessly tossed the trophy to a money covered Weather Wizard and reached into the box. This next trophy was of headphones and Hartley was already up and out of his seat.

“The ‘Beats by Dre’ Award goes to-”

“Shut up,” Hartley snatched the golden headphones, “I know it’s for me.”

“But-”

“No,” Hartley sent Lisa a warning look. “I’m not going to hear any of your shitty puns, _especially_ ,” Hartley spun on his heel to look the Captain in the eyes, “from you, Snart.”

Len shrugged, not seeming to care one way or another. “I want my award, Lise.” Hartley could at least appreciate Cold was moving this meeting along.

Lisa smiled brightly and dug through the box to find a golden sailor. “Closest I could get to a Captain,” she explained briefly. “Lenny gets the award of ‘Punniest Rogue’.”

The Rogues as a collective groaned as Lisa tossed the trophy to Len. He opened his mouth to probably say probably the worst pun imaginable. Thankfully, their lord and savior Mick Rory kissed Snart soundly on the mouth, shutting him up and tossing any possible pun aside.

“Anyways,” Lisa said loudly so her brother and Mick would stop, “this is probably a nice time to give Mick his award.” Lisa reached into the box and pulled out a trophy of a body builder. “I present the ‘Would Bang’ Award.”

The Rogues as a whole nodded their heads in agreement, even Hartley couldn’t deny he hadn’t thought about it once. Lisa tossed the award and Mick looked at it before glaring up at Lisa. “I want to trade.”

“You can’t trade,” she crossed her arms over her chest, cradling her ‘Hottest of the Rogues’ trophy protectively.

“They are kind of the same thing,” Mick muttered. It was clear he still was sour about not getting the ‘Hottest of the Rogues’ award, even if it is just because it matches his criminal aesthetic of Heat Wave.

“Tough luck,” Lisa stuck her tongue out and reached into the box. Hartley frowned. Everyone got an award so they should be done…right? Apparently, that was not the case. Lisa read Hartley’s questioning look and smirked. “This year everyone gets _two_ because it is our _second_ annual Goldie Awards.”

Hartley groaned. They were only halfway through and they have almost fought about every single one thus far. It was not going to get better and he knew it.

This time, Shawna was the one to grab the next trophy. Everyone stared at the golden “maple” leaf before looking at Lisa for explanation.

“Oh!” Lisa started cackling. “Mark and I made this one.”

Hartley looked to his right to see Mardon smirking and clapping Hartley on the shoulder. “That one is for you: ‘The Doobie Doobie Pothead Stoner Award’.”

Hartley groaned, knowing the reference to both why he was getting the award and where Glider and Wizard got the name. “It was one time! And it was on accident!” He glared at Mick but Mick shrugged. He shouldn’t be eating stray brownies he finds on their warehouses.

“But I think we can all agree that high Hartley was the best Hartley,” Mick rumbled lowly.

“Debatably a better Rogue,” Len nodded his head in agreement.

Lisa tossed the trophy to Mark who passed it over to Hartley who threw it on the other side of the safe house along with the ‘Beats by Dre’ Award.

No one even complained, all watching as Shawna pulled out the next award: Best Dressed and it went to Boo with only minor arguing from Axel (who pointed at his tiger stripped pants as if it were explanation enough).

After that, Lisa grabbed the next golden trophy which was of a business man. “This is supposed to be ‘Best Brother’.” All eyes were on Len but both Snart siblings shared a knowing look. “And it goes to Mark.”

Everyone watched silently as Mark received his golden trophy and stared down at it with an emotionless mask. All the Rogues watched carefully as a tiny twitch of his lip came and went in a second. No one said anything and Lisa moved on. All the Rogues ignored the fact that Mark had tossed his other trophy away but kept this one balanced on his knee.

“This next trophy is another family one and it is ‘Best Dad’.” This time, Len held out his hand expectantly but was shocked that Lisa threw high and Mick caught it instead.

“Really?” Len glanced over at Mick who looked equally surprised too, only catching it on pure reflex.

It was no secret that Leonard Snart was a parental unit to most of the Rogues. Most of them came from broken homes and this was their family, in some way or another. Len was protective of his Rogues; they all were of each other. And it wasn’t that Mick didn’t smother the younger Rogues like a parent figure would, just Len had a tendency to do it more.

“Don’t worry, Lenny,” Lisa already had another trophy in her hands of a woman in an apron, “you got ‘Best Mom’.”

Len caught the trophy stared at it before setting it down to the ground with his others without argument. Len and Lisa had been doing these stupid award ceremonies since they were kids and Len missed middle school graduation in lieu of juvie with Mick. It became a weird little tradition and Len kept every single trophy, certificate and medal, no matter how dorky it was.

“The next trophy is for me,” Lisa pulled out yet another sailor uniform, “but it is up for debate.” The Rogues all watched Lisa in curiosity. “If Len were to die-”

“Jesus, Lise,” Len raised his eyebrows.

“- _If_ Len were to die, I would be the next leader, right?”

Len watched in horror as all his Rogues nodded in agreement with little fight. Even Mick grunted in agreement.

“ _Mick?_ ” Len turned on him.

“She said ‘if’, you ain’t going anywhere, Snart so _cool down_ ,” Mick grinned. “Maybe I should have gotten the pun one.”

Len pushed his face aside and watched Lisa grin happily at her matching sailor trophy.

“This next one goes to Axel,” Lisa directed to the only Rogue with one trophy. “This year you got the biggest score so you win,” she pulled out a golden dollar sign, “‘Biggest Score’.”

“What?” Len sounded pissed. Hartley and Mark bit back laughs and Shawna brought her knees to her chest to get comfortable for the show.

“It’s true,” Lisa shrugged. “I checked out books. In April he pulled that job in Italy, blew up that museum, remember? It was on the news? That was the biggest score out of all of us, conversions and all.”

“But I did more jobs-”

“But that’s the most money made from a _single_ job, not collective. That title still goes to you, but no trophy.”

Mick chuckled at Len’s dampened mood and Axel whooped as he got his second trophy.

Hartley stood up, thankful that the night was over. However, Lisa pulled yet _another_ trophy from the box.

“Last one,” she caught Hartley’s look. “It was suggested from one of my Twitter followers; I couldn’t help but throw it in.”

“What the fuck is it supposed to be?” Shawna asked.

It was a golden spike. It was asymmetrical, long and narrow. All the Rogues stared at it for a long moment until Lisa flipped it over so it hung upside-down.

“An icicle,” Hartley figured it out first.

Lisa bit back a smile as she spoke, “This is the ‘Icicle Up Your Ass’ Award, created by @thebarallen.”

Mick furrowed his brows. “Who the fuck is that?”

Len remained quiet, glaring at the trophy.

“So, does it go to Snart for being a frigid bitch or Rory because their fucking?”

* * *

Hartley sighed in the backseat of the aged Ford Thunderbird as smoke drifted toward the sky and another safe house of the Rogues’ burned in a bright light. The car smelt like rain, frost and smoke: Mardon sleeping peacefully in the back seat, Leonard examining his trophies in the front seat, Mick driving and smoking a cigarette, watching the building burn in his mirrors, and Hartley holding all the other trophies so they didn’t slide around.

Hartley wasn’t sure where Boo and Glider went off too. After Trickster’s question, all hell broke loose and now Axel was off causing mayhem somewhere else and Hartley was _hopefully_ being taken home.

He still had two more weeks of his vacation, but Piper was considering rounding it up to another month after the events of the night.


End file.
